If you are in a situation where your adult Aspergers (high functioning autistic) child is living with you and it is mutually beneficial (or at least mutually respectful), then this article may not be for you.However, if your Aspie is overly-dependent or lives at home in a situation that has become uncomfortable or intolerable, then read on…
A huge part of making your adult Aspie uncomfortable is to stop paying for all the “extras” (i.e., things he views as necessities that really aren’t).
Even in today’s world, he can live without cell phones, internet, haircuts, video games, and any other leisure activity you can name. Then you’ll be less likely to have your emotional buttons triggered.
Your adult Aspie can always apply for assistance through government programs (e.g., food stamps, rental assistance, etc.) if he is truly unable to locate work and support himself. Some moms and dads have adult kids at home who are abusing them verbally or even physically.
You have the right to live in your own home, free from abuse, intimidation or disrespect.
One parent stated, “I’m okay with my adult child (now 20-years-old) not having a cell phone or video games, but I don’t want him to be homeless living on the street.” That parent knew she would allow her Aspie to live in her home without the benefit of unearned privileges, so that is the boundary that was set.
It was later revealed that this young adult Aspie decided those “extras” were important, so once his parent stopped providing free handouts (i.e., giving him money for this and that), he was inclined to go get a job and start paying his own way – including renting an apartment. Instead of picturing your adult Aspie as a fragile individual who will probably fail on multiple levels when he leaves the nest, think of him as fully capable of functioning on his own in the real world.Our emotions can cause us to be so afraid of what will happen to our Aspergers children that we think of them as kids, rather than grown-ups.In reality, your adult Aspie is a grown-up —equal to you, and equally capable of making it in this life.But, it’s not too late to teach our adult Aspergers children the value of delayed gratification and working for things they desire.It’s okay for them to be uncomfortable and realize they have the ability to survive hard times through self-reliance. If your adult son lives in a separate residence, but still depends on you as a source of income, set some boundaries. If you need to start small and work your way up, that’s okay.“Change” occurs when things feel uncomfortable, out of balance, or unsteady for the adult child.It’s what motivates him to find his equilibrium again, through employment, returning to college, offering his services through odd jobs, or whatever it takes to get the things in life that he wants. If you are afraid of violence or other repercussions from your Aspie because of these steps, it’s helpful to locate your local resources on domestic violence and contact your local court regarding your right to a restraining order. If your adult Aspie still refuses to leave, you may need to follow up with an Eviction Notice that gives a deadline for him to move out.If your Aspie still refuses to leave, the police can enforce the eviction by notifying him that he will be escorted out of the house in 24 to 48 hours.Over time, some moms and dads of adult Aspergers children have moved from “caring for” their Aspie to “care-taking” – sometimes well into their adulthood.Many moms and dads are held hostage by emotions (e.g., anger, frustration, disappointment, guilt, fear, etc.) and frequently wonder what will happen if they do throw their adult child out of the nest without a net. If you’re living with a partner who is not on the same page as you, it can make putting these steps into effect extremely difficult. If it’s causing serious conflict, you may want to seek marriage counseling regarding how the two of you can come to a mutual agreement. Identify ahead of time what you’re willing to follow through with, what your boundaries are, and which emotional buttons will most likely get you to cave-in.